Wedding planning is hard. As in frustrating. As in anxiety-making. But not for the reasons you might expect. For the most part, our parents have been fine so far. A few nudges and prods here and there, but nothing like the stories I've heard of other parents involvement in weddings.
Friday, March 06, 2009
Scott and I are fine. We've had a few tense moments where one of us had one idea and the other something else, but mostly these have been resolved without furor.
No, it's me. Somehow, I feel like I should be enjoying this a lot more. Take tonight - we were working on the invites, just playing around with images and layout (like the image above, a favorite from the lovely Johanna Wright) and this...this...anxiety just creeps up out of nowhere and just about strangles me. I get controlling and unable to listen to Scott and want to cry. All of the sudden, I didn't want to deal with invites, I didn't want to deal with guest lists, I just wanted to put it all in a box and make someone else deal with it.
I don't really get it. Like I said, on the scale of weddings, this is not a crazy-making one. This feels more like...something having to do with me. Cold feet? That doesn't feel right. I dunno...It feels more like...fear of being the center of attention. Fear of not getting it right, not getting it perfect. Fear of everyone's expectations and also not really knowing what it is that I really want. Fear that the invites will turn out lame or the decorations childish-looking, and somehow the beauty and wonder of the whole event will be diminished.
Also, old fears of not being girly enough. The tug-of-war between scoffing at anything girly and also, secretly, quietly, wanting it very badly. Feeling completely lost in all this wedding planning and also like I should know what I'm doing because, afterall, I'm a girl, right?
I just don't know how to do all this. I want to both have a smashing wedding and also retreat into the corner and let it happen to someone else.
Anyway, just rambling here. Not really looking for an answer. Just kind of wandering among the trees dragging my blankie behind me and kicking at rocks. Sigh.